It's been a while since I've written, but I've got a good excuse. And it wasn't just the flu. I was drunk. All this time, you ask? Yes. Unfortunately, yes.
I'm a night owl. I get my stride going around 4pm. When I'm not working, I try not to get into a weird schedule. It's easy for me to stay up all night, resulting in me sleeping all day (and feeling like the world's worst slacker when I wake up). So I usually set my alarm for 8am, and force myself to do things during the day. But now that I'm forcing myself to write every single day on different projects, I've fallen into my Kristin Time Zone. To make matters worse, most of my friends are out of town. They are the ones who usually force me out of my lair. I'm kind of a loner. I can literally go weeks without craving some sort of social situation. I enjoy my own company... I'm an old lady. The only real reason I have any type of schedule is my Pilates class at noon.
I'd write until 6am, fall asleep, force myself out of bed to go to Pilates, then have trouble getting back to sleep when I get home even though I'm dog tired. So I'd end up being awake until 7-ish, and then it's time to write again! So I drink some Coke Zero for the caffeine, but then when 6am rolls around I'm too hopped up to go to sleep. It presented quite the problem. Until I discovered the sleeping powers of wine, kids. One (big) glass, and I'm out cold. It was a pretty sweet revelation. Whenever I need to get some shuteye, I drink a glass of wine. Even if it's ten in the morning. I should be embarrassed to admit this, but I've done so many ridiculous things that drinking in the AM just doesn't rank.
My friend, Charlene*, called me a few days ago around nine asking if I wanted to get some breakfast at the Flying Biscuit. I LOVE the Flying Biscuit, so I said yes. Before I left, I wanted something to drink but not water. I didn't have anything--except wine and sparkling wine. The sparkling wine is tricky, because it tastes like grape juice. That's how I see it. So, without thinking, I downed a huge glass of it and left to meet Charlene. In the middle of breakfast I couldn't focus on anything and I couldn't keep my head still.
What the hell is wrong with me? I kept thinking. Could I have a brain tumor? Oh God, what if I have a brain tumor?! I can't focus! What if I'm getting dumber for some reason? Oh God, what if I'm becoming an idiot? And then it hit me! You're drunk, you jerk! Drunk! At ten in the morning! And I didn't even know it, because I've gotten so used to guzzling wine.
This didn't deter me. I continued to be a wino. I hit bottom on Friday afternoon, though. I went to Pilates, made it to the Ab Series and then moved on to the leg exercises. Or so I thought. I woke up to the instructor and two classmates standing over me looking worried. I had fallen asleep! Not for long--maybe about 5 minutes. But when every one else is moving and I'm lying face up on my mat, motionless...well you can see how some could be concerned. It was embarrassing on a level that only I could accomplish. Especially since I have to see them all again and again. So, needless to say, I'm back to being daytime, sober Kristin. It's not as much fun, but I don't fall asleep in public places anymore, so...
Friday, February 25, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
That Pesky Flu
You guys, I'm so sick! Add achy to sick and you've described my situation leaving nothing out. I wouldn't mind someone coming over to sing to me until I fall asleep, but so far everyone has refused. Even my parents. It's like they think I'm too old for that now. So I asked that if they weren't going to sing to me, just come over with a vacuum and a bottle of Windex. This place isn't going to clean itself. Still...no. I might even consider some liquor for my aches and pains, but my mother not-so-politely informed me the other day that alcoholism is rampant in my family, so I'd better stay as far away from the sauce as possible. She told me all of this while she was in the store searching for the perfect bottle of red wine to "help her fall asleep at night" but... I guess it doesn't apply to her?
Nevertheless, I'm sick and that's why I haven't written in a few days. It takes a lot of energy to act like a huge baby and blog, so something had to give. I'll be back as soon as I can!
Nevertheless, I'm sick and that's why I haven't written in a few days. It takes a lot of energy to act like a huge baby and blog, so something had to give. I'll be back as soon as I can!
Monday, February 14, 2011
Reasons to Hate Valentine's Day
- I have to run a comb through my hair.
- I can't pass off hot dogs and Kraft mac & cheese as a thoughtful dinner.
- I have to pretend like inhaling two pounds of chocolate is not something I normally do.
- I have to be nice.
- I have to admit that I really do like jewelry.
- I have to stop sleeping with other men.
Happy Valentine's Day to all you sexy beasts!
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Green Tea & Ballet
Last weekend I read an article that lauded all the benefits of green tea, one of which was speeding up a person's metabolism. According to the article, drinking two cups of green tea per day would increase one's resting metabolism up to four percent. Doesn't seem like that big of a number, right? But when I calculated it, I concluded that I could burn an extra sixty calories a day just by drinking green tea. Sixty calories doesn't sound all that impressive, but I'll take what I can get. And when you figure it weekly, it's an extra 420 calories, or as I like to think of it, an extra ice cream sandwich.
So Monday morning when I woke up I made a couple of cups of tea and drank it with my breakfast. As I was getting dressed a light bulb went off in my head. If I can burn an extra sixty calories a day by drinking two cups of green tea, I could do the same with 120 calories by drinking four cups! Eureka! Sometimes I really do impress myself with my near-genius capabilities. I went into the kitchen, filled the tea kettle with water, and pulled two thermoses from the cabinet. Ten minutes later I was stocked with tea for the entire day and mentally assessing the number of calories I would incinerate before lunchtime.
I sipped all day and by the time my ballet class rolled around, I had finished both thermoses. I was feeling light and energetic when I walked into the dance studio. I waved at everyone when I walked in and struck up conversations with several people. This behavior wasn't like me at all, but I went with it. I was on an endorphin high from the month of working out I'd been doing, probably.
The class started off with some slow, graceful stretching which I barreled through and seemed to finish before everyone else. My heart was pumping, and I was ready for some exercise! The workout started with twenty pliés. When I hit my fifteenth plié, I noticed the instructor staring at me. I smiled. You see, I've been doing yoga off and on for some time now, and my gracefulness has really improved. I'm no Alina Cojocaru, but I does my thang. I also noticed that while I was on my fifteenth rep, everyone else was on their sixth. They were probably beginners.
After doing some rond de jambes and passés (all of which I finished before everyone else), we moved on to relevés. By this time I was sure I had burned at least four hundred calories. My heart was racing and I could barely catch my breath. I was also still blowing the teacher's mind; she couldn't take her eyes off me. A few times she came over to me and physically slowed me down to sync me with the rest of the class. Then she'd wink at me and smile. Got it, I thought, I'll give someone else a chance to shine.
During the arabesques I crashed into the floor more times than I can count. My foot got stuck on the bar twice while doing barre work, sending me sailing backwards and hitting the floor. I kissed the ground two times trying out the petit saut. And yet I soldiered on. Only now, I wasn't feeling all that great. I felt like I couldn't move fast enough even though I was moving at twice the speed of everyone else. My heart was pounding in my ears, and I kept losing my balance. I must be losing my focus, I thought. I decided to step outside and get a drink of water. When I asked the instructor, she said, "Of course!" and was it my imagination or did she look a little relieved?
I walked to the water fountain and filled my water bottle. As I lifted the bottle to my lips, I noticed that my hands were shaking. Weird. I sat down on one of the couches and tried to steady them, but they kept trembling. I was starting to think this wasn't the work of endorphins. But what then? Was I getting sick? Should I go home and make myself some...tea...? Wait. I had already drank a crapload of green tea... Does green tea have caffeine? As if answering me, my hands quivered again. I'm very sensitive to caffeine. I once had half a Red Bull and thought my heart was going to explode. I sat on the couch for the rest of the class and tried not to first vomit, then drop dead.
I could see the ballet class ending through the glass door, and I wanted to get out of there before the instructor came out. I mean, what do you do when your ballet teacher thinks you're on cocaine or speed or something?! Do you explain to her that you don't normally behave this way, but you drank a gallon of caffeine today? Do you let it go and pretend like nothing happened? Do you assure her that you aren't on crack? Do you shout "I'm usually way more graceful than this!" and risk embarrassing yourself more? WHAT DO YOU DO?
I decided to just get the hell out of there. I went home and looked up other dance studios in the area that I could visit until it's safe to return to this one. Also, it's been two days and I haven't been to sleep yet. On the bright side, though, think of all those ice cream sandwiches I can eat this Saturday.
So Monday morning when I woke up I made a couple of cups of tea and drank it with my breakfast. As I was getting dressed a light bulb went off in my head. If I can burn an extra sixty calories a day by drinking two cups of green tea, I could do the same with 120 calories by drinking four cups! Eureka! Sometimes I really do impress myself with my near-genius capabilities. I went into the kitchen, filled the tea kettle with water, and pulled two thermoses from the cabinet. Ten minutes later I was stocked with tea for the entire day and mentally assessing the number of calories I would incinerate before lunchtime.
I sipped all day and by the time my ballet class rolled around, I had finished both thermoses. I was feeling light and energetic when I walked into the dance studio. I waved at everyone when I walked in and struck up conversations with several people. This behavior wasn't like me at all, but I went with it. I was on an endorphin high from the month of working out I'd been doing, probably.
The class started off with some slow, graceful stretching which I barreled through and seemed to finish before everyone else. My heart was pumping, and I was ready for some exercise! The workout started with twenty pliés. When I hit my fifteenth plié, I noticed the instructor staring at me. I smiled. You see, I've been doing yoga off and on for some time now, and my gracefulness has really improved. I'm no Alina Cojocaru, but I does my thang. I also noticed that while I was on my fifteenth rep, everyone else was on their sixth. They were probably beginners.
After doing some rond de jambes and passés (all of which I finished before everyone else), we moved on to relevés. By this time I was sure I had burned at least four hundred calories. My heart was racing and I could barely catch my breath. I was also still blowing the teacher's mind; she couldn't take her eyes off me. A few times she came over to me and physically slowed me down to sync me with the rest of the class. Then she'd wink at me and smile. Got it, I thought, I'll give someone else a chance to shine.
During the arabesques I crashed into the floor more times than I can count. My foot got stuck on the bar twice while doing barre work, sending me sailing backwards and hitting the floor. I kissed the ground two times trying out the petit saut. And yet I soldiered on. Only now, I wasn't feeling all that great. I felt like I couldn't move fast enough even though I was moving at twice the speed of everyone else. My heart was pounding in my ears, and I kept losing my balance. I must be losing my focus, I thought. I decided to step outside and get a drink of water. When I asked the instructor, she said, "Of course!" and was it my imagination or did she look a little relieved?
I walked to the water fountain and filled my water bottle. As I lifted the bottle to my lips, I noticed that my hands were shaking. Weird. I sat down on one of the couches and tried to steady them, but they kept trembling. I was starting to think this wasn't the work of endorphins. But what then? Was I getting sick? Should I go home and make myself some...tea...? Wait. I had already drank a crapload of green tea... Does green tea have caffeine? As if answering me, my hands quivered again. I'm very sensitive to caffeine. I once had half a Red Bull and thought my heart was going to explode. I sat on the couch for the rest of the class and tried not to first vomit, then drop dead.
I could see the ballet class ending through the glass door, and I wanted to get out of there before the instructor came out. I mean, what do you do when your ballet teacher thinks you're on cocaine or speed or something?! Do you explain to her that you don't normally behave this way, but you drank a gallon of caffeine today? Do you let it go and pretend like nothing happened? Do you assure her that you aren't on crack? Do you shout "I'm usually way more graceful than this!" and risk embarrassing yourself more? WHAT DO YOU DO?
I decided to just get the hell out of there. I went home and looked up other dance studios in the area that I could visit until it's safe to return to this one. Also, it's been two days and I haven't been to sleep yet. On the bright side, though, think of all those ice cream sandwiches I can eat this Saturday.
Monday, February 7, 2011
(No) Adventures at the DMV
I was all set to tell the tale of my DMV visit this morning, but alas, nothing happened. I was in and out in under five minutes. Five minutes! It was a modern miracle. The only noteworthy thing that happened was that the security guard stared at my ass for a good thirty seconds before he went back to reading his newspaper and eating a Twinkie (a guise for his ninja-like skills and reflexes, certainly). Normally, this kind of leering would mildly irritate me, but I've been banging out squats and lunges at the gym like La Femme Nikita for the past month, and truth be told, I spend the first five minutes of the day in the mirror looking at my ass. So I let Ol' Otis off the hook.
But unfortunately there's no DMV story and no promise of one until the end of the year. However, I am attending a ballet class tonight and a "Hip Hop Swag" class tomorrow afternoon; there's sure to be a story in there somewhere! Gotta run!
But unfortunately there's no DMV story and no promise of one until the end of the year. However, I am attending a ballet class tonight and a "Hip Hop Swag" class tomorrow afternoon; there's sure to be a story in there somewhere! Gotta run!
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